MM,
One of my good friends is married to a guy that just doesn’t seem all that great. He’s constantly saying offensive things to her in a joking way, especially about their marriage. For example, when we’re out to dinner and he talks about making plans he’ll say, “Well I have to review everything with the ball and chain.” He loves reliving his “glory days” as a single guy “before life got boring.” My friend tends to awkwardly laugh it off but I’m sure she’s embarrassed and offended that her husband behaves like this. It’s gotten to the point where I try to make plans with just her so that I don’t have to listen to him. She recently suggested that we go on a double date with my new boyfriend but I’m embarrassed to introduce anyone to this guy. How do I get avoid this situation without hurting her feelings?
Signed,
Double Date Disaster
Dear DDD,
As I have gotten older, there are a few things I have learned for sure, and one of them is that friendships change over time. Marriage is one thing that alters friendships, and having kids is another big one. One day your best friend is the happy-go-lucky life of the party, and the next day (seemingly) she is obsessed with finding the exact right color scheme to maximize the “flow” of her new suburban dwelling. These life changes bring about a lot of different roles that people are trying to juggle, and a lot of stress too. Although it is sad to let go of the way you remember a friend to have been, it is the way things go. Part of the beauty of long-standing friendships is adjusting well to these changes and challenges, and just kind of sitting back and enjoying (or at least tolerating) the ride.
Sometimes who our friends choose as life-long partners can be truly shocking; never in a million years would you have imagined her with someone like HIM! But the fact of the matter is that people look for different things in spouses, and whereas your ears hear nails on a chalkboard when he talks, she might hear the voices of a choir of angels! Of course, she may hear nails too, but my point is to not assume anything unless you hear it from her first. I have a friend whose husband spends all his free time on, what seems to me to be, silly little home projects. I think about how I love for my husband to be spending time with our family and helping me out with the kids when he is not at work. My friend actually really likes the “handy” side of her husband, and prefers that he fix things up than do weekend outings with the kids.
One thing that struck me as I read your letter is how overused/old-fashioned the things your friend’s husband is saying— like straight out of a Mad Men episode! It is like this guy picked up some sound bytes from an old TV show and is awkwardly trying them out, as he gets used to his new role as a husband. This actually could be the case, if they are newly married, and the kinks might iron themselves out as he finally gets more secure in his role as a husband.
So, I guess my short answer is that I wouldn’t avoid the opportunity to hang out with a friend and her annoying husband just because her husband can be annoying. If she is a good friend, you should just accept this is whom she has chosen and make the best of it. Sure, hang out with her alone when you can, but don’t go out of your way to avoid her husband just because it is mildly uncomfortable for you. If this silly bravado is his biggest flaw, I have a feeling it will dissipate as he settles into his loafers and cardigan, puffs his pipe, and gets more used to being a husband. It might serve him well to be in the company of a man (your boyfriend) who does not behave like a fella auditioning for a Mad Men episode– just give your boyfriend a “heads up” beforehand, and amuse yourselves by counting how many “manhattans” he orders at dinner!
-MM
Matron Mame 